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Selena Willows

NASM CPT - PN Lv1 - Badass - Warrior Goddess - Kettlebeller - Mom - Wife - Meathead - Yogi - Foodie...Undefinable.

Living Life on Purpose.

Act 3 - Five practices to stop fighting yourself

October 19, 2016

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June 7, 2019

Said no client of mine ever but....

Anyone groan at the title of this post? I certainly groaned when a colleague said it to me. I more than groaned, I got outright pissed off for a small moment. What does a nutrition coach even look like? What is the mold that I am supposed to fit into? Is it mandatory to have a 6 pack? 

Then I remembered that there are two parts to the fitness industry. The side that recognizes that I can choose for myself what I want to look like and that my physical shape doesn't preclude me from being a really great coach, and the side that thinks I need to fit into a mold to be effective or recognized.

Now the thing is, I get what he was trying to say but regardless of what he meant or why he said it this is an attitude and a thought process that unfortunately is poisoning the well for a lot of people in the fitness world. 

When I started trying to lose weight I felt so completely ashamed of my body and how much I had ignored what it had been trying to tell me. The pa...

May 24, 2019

Over the last three years I have been a busy bee. Since I wrote Acts 1-2 and 3 I have gotten my act together in a more meaningful way -to me- than what you may think. 

Mark my words that does not mean I have it all figured out, I don't think anyone does and I certainly don't think that if you have one part of your life sorted there aren't many more parts you could be/should be working on but...

For me, the hustle to change my body felt real all the time for a very long time. Even though were times where my weight or shape felt comfortable my perception would then shift and I then began to no longer feel that way. I started to get the itch to drop some extra pounds again and really decided to really try to understand why. Am I emotionally uncomfortable with my body or physically uncomfortable? 

Finding this distinction seemed more important than why I wanted to be healthy because I was healthy...I AM healthy. In my definition of healthy I move my body regularly, I mostly eat food...

March 15, 2017

Growth is tough. 

Remember when you were little and you would get growing pains from physical growth? Remember outgrowing your favorite clothes or shoes? I had a pair of shoes that I loved and when I outgrew them and found out they didn’t make them anymore I was devastated. 

Growth can suck. 

Emotional growth is no different. We all come to the table with our own way of dealing with things. The way we were raised, our experiences throughout our life and our own perceptions will most definitely impact the way we handle situations. The problem with a situation though is that the thing - situation - is never the thing. There is always stuff below the surface that is backing up the position we take in a disagreement and accessing that stuff within yourself is what growth is made of.

I myself have a tendency to feel attacked rather quickly and I find it difficult to address other peoples' feelings when I feel my own are not addressed. I am of course aware of this but it doesn’t stop me fro...

November 4, 2016

I still have trouble with space. At 280 lbs it was easier. I knew I would need a seatbelt extender in a plane. I knew I needed at least a XXXL shirt and I knew the jeans at just any regular store would not fit. I also knew not to try to sit in a chair with arms or share a seat with anyone. I knew these things and so I compensated. I asked for a seatbelt extender the moment I got on a plane so as not to draw attention to it. I didn't go in to regular clothing stores and for the most part, I preferred to stand. There are some of these things that I have overcome losing all this weight but there are many things my brain has not adjusted to. 

There are things now that are more complicated and some things I just have been unable to let go of. Here are 5 things I struggle with despite having lost over 100lbs. 

Personal space: When I was obese there was a natural space that was created by my oversized body between my face and that someone else's. I never had to think about how far or...

October 19, 2016

If this is your first visit to my page take a look at Act 1 and Act 2 to understand a little more. 

So where am I now?

Well, lots has changed but as they say the more things change the more they stay the same because old habits die hard and protective behaviors die even harder. 

Old habits die hard and protective

behaviors die even harder.

Though much of my paranoia, night terrors and nightmares have come to pass there is still some fear. I still fear that people won't like me, that they will think I'm strange, that I won't fit in. I can come off as standoffish or stuck up because I don't always feel comfortable saying hi to people I know even though we say hi every time we see each other. I still fear sexual assault though in a different way than I used to but in all of this I have found ways for the most part of coping with these things in a different way. 

I joined sports that made me feel powerful like Roller Derby and Crossfit. I take pride in my wide shoulders and thick thighs....

September 28, 2016

There is a period of time after you figure out that shit is not working and you need to change things where you feel so alone. I call it the darkness. The door behind you has closed because you can't un-see or un-know what you have now seen but you are too far from the end to see any light. You are completely and utterly in the dark. 

Though it feels alone or like you are the only one there with your nasty little troll let me tell you something; Through that darkness have walked a lot of people and many will walk through it after you. Chances are if you are walking through it right now there are people walking through it with you. Unfortunately we don't talk about these things. We don't share the hard, crappy, nasty stuff about life and so everyone just walks around in the darkness thinking they are alone. I'm going to share my darkness with you. Maybe it can shed a bit of light on your darkness. If you have been here or are here, know that you are not alone. If you are about to get the...

September 14, 2016

I had a pretty great childhood. Summers by the lake, lots of fishing with dad at the cabin. Family time when I was young was really fun. I have five siblings and for the most part we all got along really well. 

Summers and family trips when I was little were always amazing but outside of home things felt different to me.  Eventually this led to things at home not feeling great either.

When I was in elementary school I didn’t feel like I fit in. I was a whole head taller than everyone - even the boys - and I didn’t seem to belong anywhere. I was called a freak and our class pictures made it look like I had been held back a year. I had a terrible overbite and I had lost friends due to an unfortunate bladder control issue leading me to feel ashamed, embarrassed and like I had no control over my own body which I knew very little about. I retreated into myself quite a bit. Being called names eventually led to me calling myself names. I call this inner voice my troll. 

I tried a...

August 18, 2016

"you can quit tomorrow" 

This is something I say to myself when things get tough. When I want to throw in the towel or give up. When things are bad and I'm not feeling it and all I want to do is escape it all. Go to woods, turn off all technology and just be. I tell myself I can quit tomorrow. I give myself permission to quit if tomorrow, first thing in the morning, things are still this bleak, this tough, this bad. If I wake up and I feel like I still cannot handle it then I'll quit, maybe e I'll even run away.  

Yesterday I had one of those days. I didn't sleep well, my workout seemed particularly tough and on several occasions I wanted to throw in the towel in that hour alone. Then the rest of the day seemed just as bad. The kids were all over the place (though to be fair my patience was low), the house was covered in little pieces of packing foam (the kids) and I was STARVING all day. Like a bottomless pit. I couldn't focus on anything and even during the classes...

August 12, 2016

Thin, fat, overweight, yogi, meathead, health nut...

Really? Do we need to even? Why are you defining yourself in such narrow ways?

You may have seen me use the hashtag undefinable on instagram and I thought it may be time I let you know what that means to me.

Once upon a time I used to think I had to identify as something. I was either a yogi or a meathead. If I was going to identify as a yogi then I should be vegetarian. If I was going to identify as a meathead then I should probably be paleo. I felt like if I wasn't 100% committed then I was a fraud. Here is what I have realized over the years. I don't have to identify with any group. I can just be me. Whether you want to put a label on it or not. 

My current box is full of crossfitting vegans and vegetarians as well as hard core paleo and supplement meatheads. It's a place where everyone can just be themselves. There are people there trying to lose weight, people trying to gain muscle and many of us are just there because we...

July 20, 2016

One of my children is wildly unadventurous. It is just who he is. At six years old he would much rather sit with a good book or some Lego and chill out. He has never wanted to learn to ride a bike or go for a hike. He doesn't like to climb or jump. He has always been this way and that's ok. All I want for him is to be healthy and happy. My concern is that he will live through what I did. That his lack of movement will become unhealthy and that he will become miserable. Don't get me wrong, I love that he is a reader as I love to escape into a great book and let the world outside fall away as I enter the imaginary world of what I am reading but over the years I have learned the importance of balance. The hard way.

This summer I signed my children up for an outdoor camp. They swim and horseback ride and practice archery. They come home filthy, tired and sun kissed. As it should be. On camp days  my son is harder to get out of bed and though he complains about having to go he...

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Act 3 - Five practices to stop fighting yourself

October 19, 2016

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